As I stared at my room for the last time, I tried to memorize the features. Standing from my vantage point at the doorway, I scanned the room with familiarity. The glass doors leading to the dirty balcony, its curtains pulled over it for the moment - and probably for the rest of the summer and beyond - the closet, doors ajar, piled high with pillows, my bed with rumpled sheets since I'm too lazy to ever make my bed, and my desk, three sides walled by books as if to protect me from reality. I smile, bittersweet. While I had been waiting all summer, and even before that, to get out of Dalian, the sadness of seeing something for the last time just got me.
I did not exactly enjoy my stay in Dalian. Oh no, really, I viewed it like a prison. I lived in a gated community, whose entrance code was never told to me so I could never venture outwards. Not that I ever wanted to; Chinese streets are no where near as safe as American ones, and if I got lost, the chances of me finding my way back home were slim since I can barely speak a drop of Chinese. I stayed at home most days, hunched in my dark room - I was too lazy to turn on the lights - in front of the computer, desperately wishing for something to do. I even started counting down the days until I was able to go back to Duke.
But looking back, it wasn't a prison, not really. It was a time where I had the freedom to do whatever I want, without having to worry about money or homework or anything. I could do exactly what I wanted to do, without having to worry about this or that. School was out for the summer and as a college student, there was no such thing as summer homework, I didn't have to work, I had a dog to torment when I was bored. This was life as I had wanted it.
Then, why exactly did I complain about this to friends every day? Why did I think myself a prisoner, a captive, a bird with clipped wings in a silver cage?
Perhaps it's just human nature to find something, anything, to nitpick about. Perhaps it was just me,
young, finding a way to rebel. But as I thought more about it, it was because I wasn't doing anything. Nothing at all. I sat in front of my computer, replying to threads on my roleplay forum and participating in the Altador Cup on Neopets. No, instead, I wanted to be doing something useful, like getting a job.
I like to think that I've changed because of Duke. While I would have given everything in high school to just have the time to sit there and do nothing, now that's the opposite of what I want. I want to be doing homework, working hard to earn good grades, or being out there in some minimum wage job, learning new skills like how to operate a cash register.
Maybe I'll get my wish this summer. And definitely, for sure, I'll get my wish next summer.
